Being Julia

{October 28, 2009}   Thursday blues

It’s  taken a little longer to get round to than usual but, as you may have noticed from this post’s title,  the other Thursday didn’t go quite to plan.

Well, they can’t all, can they? But I figure I owe it to myself (and maybe you out there) to blog the bad days as well as the wonderful ones.

I’ve just had my first dressing up session since then and am currently typing away with my New Look purple dress and New Look 4″ stilettos on. God I love these shoes. They ain’t comfortable and they constantly slip at the heel (something I’m trying to fix), I must have really narrow feet. But they are sooooooo sexy! If they look amazing on me they must be astonishingly so on a GG (in fact, I think a girl at work has the same pair and, yes, they do).

Anyway back to the other Thursday. The plan was two-fold and maybe too brave in retrospect. I was going to drive out to the main shopping centre in Burton, Staffordshire, hit TK Maxx and a couple of other shops and then, if all had gone well, pop in for a glass of wine at a nice, quiet country pub Dee and I had discovered the week before. That would mark my first ever visit to a pub in T-girl mode.

Dressing up went great and I was eventually in full office girl Julia mode, with smart skirt and soft sweater. Couldn’t get the shoes to stay on right so I opted for my stiletto boots which are a tad lower, but still sexy and pointy. With false nails (false everything really!) applied I was off driving round a few country villages to build up my nerve.

But the more I thought about Burton, the more I had my doubts. The car park there needs you to buy a ticket to exit and the only ticket machine i know of is right outside the front door of Asda. To say that is a busy thoroughfare is an understatment. My plan was to park as near to TK Maxx as possible and then make as quick an exit as possible. But the more I thought about buying that parking ticket among the Asda hordes the more panic set in. In the end I simply bottled it and kept on driving, still with the intention though of having a nice cold glass of Dutch courage.

I was getting pretty thirsty by then though, so did brave a tiny post office I’d visited on one of my first Julia outings to buy a Coke. Seemed to go OK although my hands were shaking as I opened my purse to pay. I checked on the way out and nobody  was staring.

I knew the pub I planned to visit opened at midday and i drove past at 11.55, parked up nearby and checked the look when . . . oh, God not again . . . I found I was missing one nail. I’d strutted outside the car for a few minutes so maybe I’d lost it there. Got out to look but it was raining now and there was no sign of it. Got back in the car and . . . on God no, not again, again . . . another nail was missing. By this time, confidence had deserted me completely and all I could do was abandon today’s outing, driving to a country lane to a) strut a bit more b) change back into man mode.

So that’s it. A bad un’ I’m afraid. On the plus side though the make-up was really good and I thought the office look, caught in that Post Office mirror, was a winner.

I’m also conscious  that I still haven’t visited Lea for my make-up lesson yet. I will do, honest, but the opportunities are getting thinner and thinner (unlike me!) and I’d have to go in Bob mode and then walk out in Julia mode. Actually, that’s a fantastically attractive idea . . . but still scary.

I’m still determined to go for that drink but I won’t get another chance for a month now at least.

In the meantime, today’s make-up session has gone well too. Lipstick just the right side of going trout-pout (as I’ve said before, I have very thin lips, so do try to plump them up) and the eyeshadow is the darkest I’ve tried yet . . . a smoky deep purple and black. I thinks it looks great and will try it again next time I go out.

Just got to practice “a large glass of Chardonnay please” in my best Julia voice.

BTW, that second nail . . . I’ve just found it tangled in my wig.

Honestly . . . .


{August 19, 2009}   Multiple Choice

It’s been very quiet at work, my boss has kindly sent me home early and it’s a lovely, warm sunny day.

So do I:

a) Soak up the sun in the garden?

b) Soak up the sun in a beer garden?

c) Rush home, do my best eye make-up yet and prance around in super-high heels,  stockings and leopard print dress?

Thanks boss!   😉

{July 8, 2009}   Spot On

Three months since my last blog? Wow!

Well,  did wonder if Julia wold ever come back to be honest. I never did make it to the town of my childhood. Didn’t chicken out . . . circumstances just wouldn’t allow it. And then summer comes and I can’t go out as Julia. Would love to – would love to completely de-fuzz and go out bare legged or in the sheerest of stockings. It’s a crying shame as I adore the ultra strappy, high shoes that are all the fashion. Oh well.

The thing with not being able to go out is that I find it then dims my tranny appetite. I just haven’t cared to dress up at all . . . well, from three months ago.

And then  this week it sarted to cme back out of nowhere. A few moments in ankle boots and dress here and there. Yes, I still want this.

So payday comes and I make a few purchases. A new bra (38B and looking magnificently buxom, since you ask!), some totally irresistible, leopard print. high-heel. cork platform sandals from Peacocks (just £9 in the sale) and a thoroughly tarty and unsuitable strappy, leopard print mini dress in the British Heart Foundation shop (£4.50 but I rounded it up to £5).

Just finished my first make-up session in three months. Eyes, not brill. But the best, fullest, poutiest lips I’ve ever managed. Wearing my new dress and sandals, suspender belt (bloody expensive but beautiful and a treat after I ‘came out’ to Dee) stockings and flimsy knickers. Peering through long black wig and typing with difficulty in plum red false nails . . . but feel utterly wonderful.

This is my last dress up chance this month. Off on holiday soon. Then it’s a long wait for the days to turn chillier and I can think about treating myself to a long sleeve, high neck dress, some new boots (you can never have too many)  and a trip into the outside world again.

Oh, and Dee says The Rocky Horror Show is coming to town and a friends wants us to go. Would LOVE to do that, I could go completely OTT. Just two things – Dee still hasn’t seen me in full ‘mode a la Julia’ . . . and I would INSIST on going completely hairless from neck to toe. If I’m going out in stockings, my legs (and they are very nice, shapely legs in stockings) have to look their best and that means I  have to be a total smoothy.

I suppose that’s it again for a while. Nice to be back in the trannyverse though.

Till the next time,

Jules xx

{January 28, 2009}   In the eye of the beholder . . .

I mentioned in my last post that I’d had a blinding moment of self-revelation after reading three superb articles by Dr Vernon Colman about crossdressing.

And it is this . . . that even though I know I’m unlikely to fool anyone really, when I’m dressed up as I am at this very moment (typing with false nails is very strange) I feel utterly BEAUTIFUL.

There are three things that boys and men rarely if ever get told – “You look beautiful, you look stunning, you look gorgeous”. Those are adjectives saved almost exclusively for girls and women.

My transvestism is a way for me to tap into those amazing sensations.

At the moment I’m wearing a lacy red and black basque with black lace top stockings, ankle boots with four-inch stilettos, little black sequinned party dress, a lovely, flowery necklace, long crimson nails and a long black wig which feels just amazing cascading over my shoulders and back. I’ve been wearing my black real leather opera gloves (an amazing £5 bargain at Primark) but I can’t type in those.

I’ve also managed my best make-up session yet – helped, I’m convinced, by the fact I’m only using top of the range cosmetics now, mostly Max Factor and L’Oreal.

And although I look in the mirror and still see the rather foolish-looking ‘Bob’ me looking back, I AM JULIA and there’s no other feeling on earth like it.

And Julia is beautiful.

Julia is stunning,

Julia is gorgeous.


{January 12, 2008}   Bra Wars: A New Hope

Well here we are, 2008 is already well underway and Christmas and the whole new year thing has been  . . . er, “interesting”.  Dee and I seem to be moving into a new phase with the whole Julia thing. It’s been a very subtle shift, but there nonetheless.

As I’ve said before Dee is aware of my T-girl side, but has never “met” Julia, nor even does she know that Julia’s got a name. But a few things over the past few weeks suggest that might possibly change at some point, unless I’m reading things all wrong (that wouldn’t be a first).

To be honest, the T-girl thing is not something we discuss in depth, it kind of gets hinted at occasionally, skirted (!) around sometimes. When I first outed myself we naturally had a huge in-depth discussion: Was I gay? (No). Did I want to have a sex-change (No). How did it start? (Told her). What did I wear? (Told her). Why did I do it? (Didn’t, and still don’t, know – beyond the fact that it feels amazing and bigger than I am on my own and I appear to be addicted to it). Had I tried to stop? (Told her the whole guilt trip/purge then buy again and again and again history). Was I still attracted to her? (Oh yes!).

But these days it’s mostly the odd comment by Dee that she appears to be dangling like bait to see if and how I respond. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don’t. In truth I still find the whole discussion incredibly embarrassing. I don’t know why I am like I am, so to a large degree I still don’t truly know who I am . . . that’s a journey I’m still taking (but there again, aren’t we all?).

Anyway, flashback a month or so and we were watching a TV documentary about Zoe Margolis, author of the sexual exploits blog Girl With A One-Track Mind. There was much talk about people with secret Second-Life style sex blogs and Dee suddenly said: “You could write a blog like that. You’d be great.”

Cue guilt trip as, of course, I’d already started my Julia blog by then and was indeed keeping it a secret from her. Now I am a great believer that having too many secrets between a couple is an awkward and often dangerous thing –  it’s one of the reasons why I outed myself in the first place. But I kept silent about Dee’s suggestion and about the fact that I was already merrily blogging away, largely because I had already blogged my first couple of trips out as Julia which she knew nothing about and also because I might find my blogging compromised in some way by knowing that she was peering over my shoulder. This is – at the moment anyway – pretty much a solo voyage of self-discovery.

Fast forward a little now to Christmas Day. We’re opening our presents and I get a novelty gift from Dee – an Ann Summers “Boob Job” savings bank. It’s in the shape of a rather well-endowed black bra-clad bust with a slot down the cleavage for popping in your spare change! The box was printed with how you could save up the pennies for a new set of boobs (a whole new meaning to ‘you don’t get many of those to the pound’). Maybe I’m thick, but it wasn’t till a little later that I thought maybe this was one way of Dee showing she is coping alright with all this, that maybe it was a message saying I could relax with her too, maybe talk about it some more. Unfortunately I haven’t yet plucked up the courage to ask her this, I guess I’m afraid that if I’ve got it wrong she’ll think she can’t say or do anything without me twisting it to be some commentary on my T-girl side.

Fast forward again and we’re celebrating New Year’s Eve. In a pub. With a drag show.

Yep, Dee and me and a couple of friends are having a great laugh as two sequin-dress-clad, high heel trannies entertain us (one of them later does a great turn as Cher in black PVC). Now maybe it’s the drink (although she said this fairly early on in the proceedings) but Dee says: “I could see you doing that  . . . you’d look fantastic.” We do have a short discussion about the idea, but it isn’t really the time or place and I say something like “I’m getting such mixed signals from you about that side of me” and it’s all getting a bit heavy, so we leave it be . . . and haven’t returned to the conversation yet (a theme developing here?).

Actually, talking of themes developing, Dee has made one other suggestion of note . . . she wants us to go to see the Rocky Horror Show . . . in costume. Oh the irony, to be “able” to go out in society fully dressed up and made up and for it to be completely acceptable because “it’s just for a laugh”. But it’s such an enticing idea too . . . a relatively unthreatening way for Dee to meet Julia and for me to really go to town with the idea.

I’ve insisted on one condition though if we ever do it (there are no Rocky Horror Shows in the pipeline in the near future to my knowledge) which Dee is not too happy about – I’d definitely have to have a wax/shave if I’m to go out in basque and stockings . . . but Dee is rather partial to my fuzziness (which I really dislike, regardless of my T-girl inclinations) and is unhappy with the idea of me being a “smoothy”. Oh well, like I say, no theatres near us have the show booked at the mo . . . although I have just got a copy of the movie. 😉

And finally . . . I mentioned in my last blog of 2007 that the New Year sales might prove interesting this year, as they would be the first ones where I could shop for Julia. Interesting? Were they ever!

I headed out to the town of Burton, once famed for its brewing industry but also home to a reasonable selection of shops. It was a trip with two purposes, the first being to pop round as many girly shops as poss and check out the sales rails, the second to get a feel for the place for a potential visit as Julia . . . check out the size and make-up of the crowds to see how comfortable Julia might feel among them. Well the answer to that one is that the place definitely has potential if I ever feel a little braver than I am at the moment.

But back to the sales. I had a little spare cash and a tenner from the lottery burning a hole in my pocket/purse and had a wonderful time going from shop to shop in bloke mode looking through all the girly bargains. If anyone wondered, I was looking for presents for my other half (!?!?!?!) or if anyone clocked the truth it didn’t matter, nobody knows me there!

And what bargains I got. After that New Year’s Eve drag show I’d got a real desire for a sparkly party dress. Well thank you River Island for my new, gorgeous black dress (my first ever dress, actually) reduced from £40 to £15. The only problem so far is that they only had it in a 14 and I really need a 16. But I can just about get away with it and I love how it clings and moves, although I am finding it impossible to wear it and hide what the tabloids would call my “manhood”/”lunchbox” in profile. (Any suggestions girls?).

Two other purchases were not in the sales but still bargains. First, a pair of extremely pointy and extremely red stiletto shoes from a charity shop for just £3 – a size too small but irresistible at that price and I can just get in them . . . for a short while. Second, an absolutely beautiful red and black basque set in “my size” (38C) for just £12.99 at TK Maxx. I’d forgotten (it’s been well over 10 years) just how gorgeous it feels to be encased in a basque – just wonderful.

But my biggest bargain of all was a new coat. If you’ve read earlier blogs you’ll know I had a black fur coat for a while, which was a bit too small and a bit too obvious tranny for trips out so I took it back to a charity shop.

Well, now I have a brand new, stunning, three-quarter length, cream coat from Bank, reduced from £90 to just £20. Yes, twenty quid! It is absolutely gorgeous and feels perfect and luxurious on. I’ve only tried it on at home and can’t wait to get out there in the real world with it. Not sure when that will be, not for two or three weeks at least.

In the meantime I enjoyed a wonderful three-hour dressing up session in the house. The full works – wig, make-up, a full set of false painted nails and all my new wardrobe. Can’t afford to buy any more this month . . . but what a treat I’ve had.

Till next time,

Julia P    


et cetera