Being Julia











{January 28, 2009}   In the eye of the beholder . . .

I mentioned in my last post that I’d had a blinding moment of self-revelation after reading three superb articles by Dr Vernon Colman about crossdressing.

And it is this . . . that even though I know I’m unlikely to fool anyone really, when I’m dressed up as I am at this very moment (typing with false nails is very strange) I feel utterly BEAUTIFUL.

There are three things that boys and men rarely if ever get told – “You look beautiful, you look stunning, you look gorgeous”. Those are adjectives saved almost exclusively for girls and women.

My transvestism is a way for me to tap into those amazing sensations.

At the moment I’m wearing a lacy red and black basque with black lace top stockings, ankle boots with four-inch stilettos, little black sequinned party dress, a lovely, flowery necklace, long crimson nails and a long black wig which feels just amazing cascading over my shoulders and back. I’ve been wearing my black real leather opera gloves (an amazing £5 bargain at Primark) but I can’t type in those.

I’ve also managed my best make-up session yet – helped, I’m convinced, by the fact I’m only using top of the range cosmetics now, mostly Max Factor and L’Oreal.

And although I look in the mirror and still see the rather foolish-looking ‘Bob’ me looking back, I AM JULIA and there’s no other feeling on earth like it.

And Julia is beautiful.

Julia is stunning,

Julia is gorgeous.

x



Dee and I watched a video of an Eddie Izzard performance last week – all eye make-up, leather trousers and high-heeled boots (him not me!). I was hoping that it might spark a discussion about ‘my other side’ but we both seem to be reluctant to bring up the subject.

It’s a great shame as I feel I’m bottling so much in. Dee accepts how I am but wants to keep it at arm’s length and I’ve got to respect that.

We’re great watchers of foreign films with sub-titles and we’ve had one for ages called La Mala Educacion, which features young male transvestites. I know Dee is intrgued by it but she doesn’t seem able to bring herself to watch it. Give her a choice of two films and she’ll always pick the other one.

One of the great strengths of our relationship is that we communicate fully and openly about everything – except my tranvestism. It gets alluded to occasionally but there are silences and barriers and secrets that surround it. I find that quite a worry, as lack of communication was one of the biggest things that led to the failure of my marriage some years ago.

Anyway, having watched the Eddie Izzard show I did some Googling and discovered to my surprise that the news columnist/TV doctor Vernon Coleman is also a tranny and is quite open about it.

So a bit more Googling later, I found three articles written by Coleman which are among the most illuminating and helpful that I’ve ever read on the subject.

They have helped shine a light on the subject as a whole, as well as on myself; subsequently leading to one particular blinding moment of revelation that I’d like to save to blog in its own right in the near future (Yes, I know I’m a tease but I’ve got to keep you coming back somehow!).

I can only recommend anyone who hasn’t already read Coleman’s pieces to follow the links below (but not before finishing this blog, of course!).

This last one is actually the text from a book and it includes reference to a survey that Coleman conducted in a newspaper and from where he draws out his various conclusions from those who responded.

I really wish I’d know about it at the time becuiase I would have definitely taken part (it could be done anonymously, of course).

But it’s no bother having missed out on the survey, as Coleman helpfully reproduces it – and so have I, below.

Now this is where the audience participation bit comes in. Take a look immediately below for my own answers in bold and then I’d love as many as possible of you to share your own experiences by answering the same questions yourselves in the Comments box – I’ve copied the questions again but left the answer fields blank, so you can just copy and paste that into the box.

Oh well, here goes – this is me:

1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes? MID TEENS.

2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes YES
b) gives me a sexual kick YES
c) helps me relax and deal with stress YES
d) I want to be like a woman NO
e) don’t know

3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? NO – but I’ve always (even before I began even thinking about dressing) fantasized about being able to ‘beam down’ into a woman’s body and inhabit the real thing for 24 hours to see what it’s like. Very sci-fi . . . oh, and only an incredibly beautiful woman with an amazing wardrobe to play with!

4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? YES, when I have a good few hours to myself, which is incredibly rare, otherwise it’s just shoes/boots and lingerie or a dress, which can be for as much as an hour or as little as five minutes – amazing what a stress-buster than can be.

5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job NO (well, not yet)
b) a relationship NO (phew!)

6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? YES – it’s terrifying but thrilling too, although I don’t do it very often.

7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? NO – but I’d like to, simply for ther support and understanding . . . and some make-up tips!

8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? YES but only on a couple of occasions to date – the interaction is terrifying.

9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) A FEW (actually somewhere in between b) and c), I’d say . . . so, ‘some’)
c) most
d) all

10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) OCCASIONALLY – if I go shopping for Julia I always do, so I can take her with me, otherwise I’ve done it just once at work to date.
c) always

11. What do you sleep in?
a) THE NUDE – although if I should ever get sent away overnight to a conference I’ll buy a baby doll nightie especially!
b) pyjamas
c) nightie

12. Have you ever had sex with another man? NO – not my scene, thanks

13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? YES – not so much for myself (although it would be excruciatingly embarrassing) but because of the shame and pressure it would pile on Dee, our children and my family.

14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? NO

15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? NO – with one tiny caveat . . . shortly after I came out as a transvestite to Dee we got very drunk one night and she let me me put on a pair of her panties while we made love. It’s never been repeated though.

16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? YES (see above)

17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) WITH RELUCTANCE – I’m not sure ‘approve’ is quite the right word. But she loves me and says she doesn’t want me to suffer the stress of being in denial with myself.
c) with enthusiasm

18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? NO – but that would be great

19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman: ONLY ABOUT TWO HOURS EVERY THREE WEEKS OR SO

20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman: IDEALLY, MAYBE ONE FULL DAY A WEEK

About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)

Age: 45
Partner’s Age: 41
Female name you use when dressed: JULIA PARFOIS (which is French for Julia Sometimes!)
Location: Midlands, England

Right girls, now it’s your turn to get cuttin’ and pastin’ and tellin’ . . . .

1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes?

2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes
b) gives me a sexual kick
c) helps me relax and deal with stress
d) I want to be like a woman
e) don’t know

3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? Yes/No

4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? Yes/No

5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job
b) a relationship

6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? Yes/No

7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? Yes/No

8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? Yes/No

9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few
c) most
d) all

10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) occasionally
c) always

11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude
b) pyjamas
c) nightie

12. Have you ever had sex with another man? Yes/No

13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? Yes/No

14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? Yes/No

15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? Yes/No

16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? Yes/No

17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm

18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? Yes/No

19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman:

20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman:

About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)

Age:
Partner’s Age:
Female name you use when dressed:
Location:



{January 6, 2009}   My secret possession

Doing something today I’ve never done before . . . wearing femme knickers under my work trousers in the office.

Why? Well I’m under a huge amount of stress at the mo – work, divorce (not from Dee) under way and a very painful five-year-plus estrangement from my daughter – and today, as I got dressed, it seemed like one way of alleviating all that, if only temporarily.

It’s like a secret badge of honour. Just something that only I know that somehow brings me comfort. I don’t know how better to explain it.

They are a Primark brand, called ‘Secret Possessions’. Rather fitting . . .



et cetera