Dee and I watched a video of an Eddie Izzard performance last week – all eye make-up, leather trousers and high-heeled boots (him not me!). I was hoping that it might spark a discussion about ‘my other side’ but we both seem to be reluctant to bring up the subject.
It’s a great shame as I feel I’m bottling so much in. Dee accepts how I am but wants to keep it at arm’s length and I’ve got to respect that.
We’re great watchers of foreign films with sub-titles and we’ve had one for ages called La Mala Educacion, which features young male transvestites. I know Dee is intrgued by it but she doesn’t seem able to bring herself to watch it. Give her a choice of two films and she’ll always pick the other one.
One of the great strengths of our relationship is that we communicate fully and openly about everything – except my tranvestism. It gets alluded to occasionally but there are silences and barriers and secrets that surround it. I find that quite a worry, as lack of communication was one of the biggest things that led to the failure of my marriage some years ago.
Anyway, having watched the Eddie Izzard show I did some Googling and discovered to my surprise that the news columnist/TV doctor Vernon Coleman is also a tranny and is quite open about it.
So a bit more Googling later, I found three articles written by Coleman which are among the most illuminating and helpful that I’ve ever read on the subject.
They have helped shine a light on the subject as a whole, as well as on myself; subsequently leading to one particular blinding moment of revelation that I’d like to save to blog in its own right in the near future (Yes, I know I’m a tease but I’ve got to keep you coming back somehow!).
I can only recommend anyone who hasn’t already read Coleman’s pieces to follow the links below (but not before finishing this blog, of course!).
- The Three Myths of Transvestism
- Why Do Men Wear Dresses? (And Why Do Some Women Get So Upset About It?)
- Men in Dresses
This last one is actually the text from a book and it includes reference to a survey that Coleman conducted in a newspaper and from where he draws out his various conclusions from those who responded.
I really wish I’d know about it at the time becuiase I would have definitely taken part (it could be done anonymously, of course).
But it’s no bother having missed out on the survey, as Coleman helpfully reproduces it – and so have I, below.
Now this is where the audience participation bit comes in. Take a look immediately below for my own answers in bold and then I’d love as many as possible of you to share your own experiences by answering the same questions yourselves in the Comments box - I’ve copied the questions again but left the answer fields blank, so you can just copy and paste that into the box.
Oh well, here goes – this is me:
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes? MID TEENS.
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes YES
b) gives me a sexual kick YES
c) helps me relax and deal with stress YES
d) I want to be like a woman NO
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? NO – but I’ve always (even before I began even thinking about dressing) fantasized about being able to ‘beam down’ into a woman’s body and inhabit the real thing for 24 hours to see what it’s like. Very sci-fi . . . oh, and only an incredibly beautiful woman with an amazing wardrobe to play with!
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? YES, when I have a good few hours to myself, which is incredibly rare, otherwise it’s just shoes/boots and lingerie or a dress, which can be for as much as an hour or as little as five minutes – amazing what a stress-buster than can be.
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job NO (well, not yet)
b) a relationship NO (phew!)
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? YES – it’s terrifying but thrilling too, although I don’t do it very often.
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? NO – but I’d like to, simply for ther support and understanding . . . and some make-up tips!
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? YES but only on a couple of occasions to date – the interaction is terrifying.
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) A FEW (actually somewhere in between b) and c), I’d say . . . so, ’some’)
c) most
d) all
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) OCCASIONALLY – if I go shopping for Julia I always do, so I can take her with me, otherwise I’ve done it just once at work to date.
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
a) THE NUDE – although if I should ever get sent away overnight to a conference I’ll buy a baby doll nightie especially!
b) pyjamas
c) nightie
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? NO – not my scene, thanks
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? YES – not so much for myself (although it would be excruciatingly embarrassing) but because of the shame and pressure it would pile on Dee, our children and my family.
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? NO
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? NO – with one tiny caveat . . . shortly after I came out as a transvestite to Dee we got very drunk one night and she let me me put on a pair of her panties while we made love. It’s never been repeated though.
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? YES (see above)
17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) WITH RELUCTANCE – I’m not sure ‘approve’ is quite the right word. But she loves me and says she doesn’t want me to suffer the stress of being in denial with myself.
c) with enthusiasm
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? NO – but that would be great
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman: ONLY ABOUT TWO HOURS EVERY THREE WEEKS OR SO
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman: IDEALLY, MAYBE ONE FULL DAY A WEEK
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age: 45
Partner’s Age: 41
Female name you use when dressed: JULIA PARFOIS (which is French for Julia Sometimes!)
Location: Midlands, England
Right girls, now it’s your turn to get cuttin’ and pastin’ and tellin’ . . . .
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes?
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes
b) gives me a sexual kick
c) helps me relax and deal with stress
d) I want to be like a woman
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? Yes/No
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? Yes/No
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job
b) a relationship
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? Yes/No
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? Yes/No
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? Yes/No
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few
c) most
d) all
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) occasionally
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude
b) pyjamas
c) nightie
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? Yes/No
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? Yes/No
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? Yes/No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? Yes/No
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? Yes/No
17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? Yes/No
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman:
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman:
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age:
Partner’s Age:
Female name you use when dressed:
Location:
Hi Julia,
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes?
– There was a girls leotard in my wardrobe as a child (I have no idea why we had it but there it was) and I remember waiting until everyone has gone to sleep before putting it on to sleep in.
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes – Y
b) gives me a sexual kick – A little but that’s not the whole thing for me.
c) helps me relax and deal with stress
d) I want to be like a woman – Y
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation?
– I’m not sure at this point in time however I’ve been swinging towards that side more recently.
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)?
– Yes
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job – N
b) a relationship – N
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman?
– Yes
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites?
– Yes
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman?
– No, not yet but it’s not something I won’t do at some stage.
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few – The pessimist in me would say so.
c) most
d) all
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) occasionally – Y
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude
b) pyjamas
c) nightie – Occasionally
12. Have you ever had sex with another man?
– No
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite?
– Yes
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law?
– No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman?
– Yes
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism?
– N/A
17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm
– N/A
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc?
– N/A
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman:
– 3
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman:
– Maybe 1 full day
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age: 28
Partner’s Age: N/A
Female name you use when dressed: Jenny Ford
Location: Devon
BTW, have a look at http://www.outskirtstg.co.uk/ for meeting other girls and support.
Jenn xx
Well, you did ask!
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes?
Young. I was at primary school – possibly my second year – so that would make me 7 or maybe 8. I remember seeing a pair of Mum’s tights dry on the radiator. I remember wondering what they might feel like, so I put them on. Such was my start on the Path of the Dark Side
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
Yup – a) like the feeling of womens clothes
Yup – c) helps me relax and deal with stress
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation?
No thanks!
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)?
Yes
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job
b) a relationship
None of the above!
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman?
Yes
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites?
Yes
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman?
Yes
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
At long distance, b (a few), but realistically, a) none. Not that I care
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude
12. Have you ever had sex with another man?
Nope. Not my bag baby.
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite?
Yes… but only for the sake of my family. I’ve been outed before and you weather the storm. People forget. It’s yesterday’s news.
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law?
No but I had some heels that were criminally high
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman?
No.
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism?
Yes
17. Does she approve?
b) with reluctance
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc?
In the main no, but we do talk about it. Is that a ‘yes’? Rats.
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman:
2 = Maybes 4 every 2 weeks or so.
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman:
It varies. Some weeks I’m not bothered, others the 4 per outing is fine, on bad days, more.
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age: 36
Partner’s Age: 38
Female name you use when dressed: Lynn
Location: Prefer not to say
Oh gosh, here comes my few cents.
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes? 15
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes Yes
b) gives me a sexual kick Not really, excitement yes but not of sexual nature.
c) helps me relax and deal with stress No
d) I want to be like a woman Yes
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? I think better way of asking this matter would be something like “Do you want to actually be a woman?” but… I’ll just say I’ve thought about it.
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? Occasionally yes.
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job No
b) a relationship No
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? Yes. Usually in case of cosplay when passing is not a life or death situation (at least in my mind) but just recently I went out only as myself.
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? No.
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? No. I could consider it if I ever got my voice sound female.
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few
c) most I take this just to be sure. I think I can be pretty convincing as long as I don’t open my mouth but it’s hard to say.
d) all
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) occasionally This. I should get some unisex-like panties to wear.
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude This during summers. In winter like now I have to wear something. Now it’s *cough* tracksuit trousers, shirt and wool socks.
b) pyjamas
c) nightie
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? No. But I wouldn’t mind.
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? I don’t stress it out. Some of my friends know, or at least they should because of very obvious hints.
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? No.
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? Don’t have a partner atm. My ex knew about it.
17. Did she approve?
Oh right, she did my makeup once. So probably no questions here.
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm She made jokes about it without mean intentions. Does that count as enthusiasm?
18. Did your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? No. Although that might had been possible.
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman: Only few times a month because of circumstances.
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman: If I could I’d probably wear at least a skirt on daily basis.
Age: 18
Partner’s Age: - Oh right, I answered based on my ex. She was about my age.
Female name you use when dressed: I don’t actually have one. Helmi is one but I don’t use it if I’m not forced to present myself.
Location: Finland
[...] Do you attend parties , social events with other transvestites? NO – but I’d like to, simply for ther support and understanding . . . and some make-up tips! 8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? YES but only on a couple of …[Continue Reading] [...]
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes? 14 or 15, though I first wore lipstick some years before that.
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes – Y (to this I’d add liking the look of such clothes as well)
b) gives me a sexual kick – sometimes (not so much as it used to)
c) helps me relax and deal with stress – again, sometimes (I find it one of the quickest, easiest ways to access my “softer side”)
d) I want to be like a woman – sometimes (just a bit)
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? No – too much of a leap into the unknown, and I like the way I am anyway
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? No – the odd fancy dress party notwithstanding
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job – No
b) a relationship – No
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? Yes/No – Yes AND No – I go out dressed as a guy in various pieces of women’s attire for the most part
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? No
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? Yes/No – See 6
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none – although I’ve had the odd person think I’m a girl, often when I haven’t even been wearing anything girly!
b) a few
c) most
d) all
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never
b) occasionally – yes
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
)
a) the nude – sometimes (though not as much as I used to; certain things flop around too much if not given the proper support
b) pyjamas – yes, lovely satin ones – once you’ve slept in satin, you never go back!
c) nightie – this one too; I recently had a couple of beautiful, old-fashioned satin ones made for myself
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? Yes/No – sort of. I “experimented” with my very pretty (positively gorgeous, in fact) gay best friend while we were still in school. It went as far as giving and receiving oral sex.
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? No – I’d have to say it’d be one of my worst-kept secrets
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? No
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? N/A
17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm
N/A
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? N/A
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman: Hard to say – probably “lots”. Given I almost always sleep in women’s sleepwear, there’s 56 hours a week right off the bat.
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman: Probably a few more. I’d like to wear pieces of women’s clothing a bit more when I’m out and about.
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age: 35
Partner’s Age: N/A
Female name you use when dressed: Don’t have one.
Location: Adelaide, Australia
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes?
I’m not sure, but I think around 12, 13 years old.
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes yes
b) gives me a sexual kick yes
c) helps me relax and deal with stress yes
d) I want to be like a woman yes ( but don’t want to lose my ‘thing’)
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? No
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? Yes
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job no
b) a relationship no
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? No, but I dream of that a lot of times
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? No
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? No. And I am sorry ’bout that.
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
b) pyjamas
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? No
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? No, not really.
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? Yes, many times.
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? Yes
17. Does she approve?
c) with enthusiasm
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? Yes
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman:
As many as I can. Difficult to say. I would like to dress up more, but
that’s difficult because of my job and my children.
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman:
I really would like to spend the whole time as a female.
Why not.
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age:40
Partner’s Age:32
Female name you use when dressed:Doreen
Location:Germany
1. How old were you when you first started wearing women’s clothes? @Perhaps about five or six.
2. Why do you do it? (tick as many as you like)
a) like the feeling of womens clothes x
b) gives me a sexual kick
c) helps me relax and deal with stress x
d) I want to be like a woman x
e) don’t know
3. If you had the opportunity would you have a sex change operation? Yes/No @Yes. Already on the NHS prog.
4. Do you dress completely as a woman (e.g. including wig, make up etc)? Yes/No @Yes
5. Has being a transvestite ever lost you
a) a job @No
b) a relationship. @No
6. Do you go out of the house dressed as a woman? Yes/No @Yes
7. Do you attend parties, social events with other transvestites? Yes/No @Yes
8. Do you ever go shopping dressed as a woman? Yes/No @Ys. Nervous the first few times, but after that iniial fear wore off, I found it harder to buy female stuff dressed as a male.
9. If you go out cross dressed, in your opinion, how many of the people who see you are convinced that you are a woman?
a) none
b) a few
c) most
d) all @20+ years ago I would pass 100% unless I chose to blow my cover. Now I would NOT blow my cover, but suspect my ability to pass is lover than it was back then, due to lots of bad male habits having grown over that time.
10. Do you wear women’s underwear when you are dressed in ordinary male clothes?
a) never X
b) occasionally
c) always
11. What do you sleep in?
a) the nude
b) pyjamas
c) nightie X
12. Have you ever had sex with another man? Yes/No @No. Slept with, yes, snogged with yes, but a long time ago and as part of the process of discovering what I was NOT.
13. Do you live in fear of people finding out that you are a transvestite? Yes/No @No, except for the sake of my wife and kid.
14. Has cross dressing ever got you into trouble with the law? Yes/No @No
15. Have you ever had sex with a woman while you’ve been dressed as a woman? Yes/No @Yes. Several retationships whislt living as a female from 1985 to 1988. Currenly married to accepting wife.
16. Does your partner know of your transvestism? Yes/No @Yes
17. Does she approve?
a) not at all
b) with reluctance
c) with enthusiasm X
18. Does your partner help you choose clothes, make up etc? Yes/No @Yes, and often buys stuff for me if she thinks it will suit and fit me, and I’m not there.
19. How many daytime hours a week do you spend dressed as a woman: @Most
20. How many daytime hours a week would you like to spend dressed as a woman: @All
About yourself: (all optional, but I’ve edited out the bits asking for name and occupation!)
Age: 51
Partner’s Age: 45
Female name you use when dressed: Chrissie
Location: Wales UK